Thursday, May 15, 2014

Will I survive until the finish line?

I called my home answering machine last night and I have two messages from a medical supply company saying they are trying to deliver my Hoyer Lift. This is a huge piece of medical equipment that is used to lift someone in and out of bed. Never used one, never had to. I called this morning first thing only to get an answering service. Then my social worker isn't in, so I spoke to her boss and gave her the info and she has now called, said it was a mistake and canceled the order.

Then it was on to wound care. It now measures .7 x 1 (tha'ts 7/10ths of a cm, by one cm.) The wound care nurse said that if it were her decision I wouldn't go home while this wound still existed. I said, "well, it's not your decision" or maybe I just thought that. Then the wound care (Dr.Silent) ... well, I guess he looked at it and when I asked if he did, she said yes, and I said, "Well, he doesn't have anything to say?" So that sort of shamed Dr Silent into coming back and talking to me. He insisted that the bacitracin route isn't enough and that not only should it be changed every day, but he thinks I should change it every time I use the toilet.

I have cried about five times alrady today and its just going on 11 am.. My legs hurt from walking so much and tomorrow just seems unreachable. I tell myself nothing has changed, that I'm still going home, that I can do whatever I want when I get home but I have to say that, once again, I just have no reserves. I have really tried like yesterday to be cheeful and bring life to this place. When I saw my generic rice krispies (aka Krispy Rice), I just cried. I am sick of generic food, drinking out of plastic and styrofoam, wanting to cry when I lift the steam cover off a meal.

Once again, my day started with the screamer having a fight with some aide and I was three seconds away from screaming Shut the F Up. Such a powerful command. I don't think I've ever said it aloud. It  not only tells the person to shut up, but it tells the person you are so sick of hearing her voice. After that, I heard her grunting and and sounding like she's moving her bowels so maybe there will be a small mercy and I'll be saved the sights and smells of her enema.

The recreation lady is trying to organize some sort of bingo/scavenger hunt and I want to scream STFU at her too. She tries with these peppy morning announcements of what the day is, what the weather is, what's for lunch and dinner. It's almost worse to know in advance. She ends each announcement with this drawn out "beau-tee-fullllll" -- her sort of signature sign off and it makes my upper lip involuntarily curl.

1 comment:

mary said...

You certainly know better than I do, but would it be worth having an aide come for just a few days? It certainly would be less unpleasant than what you've had. Just a thought. Hoow the rest of the day goes better.